Day 40 from First Day of Fasting
I am 10 days out post fast and the world is a very sobering place I must say. I gained 3-4 lbs during refeeding and another 5 lbs. during my home time. I always knew home time was where the hardest work would be, and here I am. My friend from Pasadena Michele said “don’t beat yourself up, get up and make it work.” Good advice. I feel that my gains are slipping through my hands. When Joni Mitchell broke up with Graham Nash in 1971 just before her seminal work Blue 50 years ago, she sent him a note at the age of 27 and said “if you squeeze sand in your hand it will run through your fingers.” Somehow I am feeling it applies in this situation.
I liked the new me, but now I feel that I am slowly returning to the old me, the one I was leaving behind. Maybe the new me never really was…. I am in an intense burst of back to back visits of inlaws and family vacations, steeped on the excesses of food and alcohol typified by these visits. I feel like the outsider looking in on their partying and fun, more disconnected than usual. I also feel the depths of the title of this blog, and not sure of my relationships with others. They express concern about drinking and food in my presence and I assure them it is “ no problem” but I would never admit to them that it is, these are people that I feel very close to and do not want that to change.
So the “getting up” part for me is to examine the vegan SOS free food that I am eating and wonder about “too much starch.”
I seem to have stabilized my weight however my receding psoriasis is appearing to have stalled or is returning - not really sure.
I am going out to eat tonight with my partners family and made arrangements ahead of time with the diningroom/staff and chef for a SOS free dinner. A small victory in the long (50 year plan according to Dr. Goldhamer).